Estimated reading time: 13 minutes
As promised, I’m back for part two in this “red flag/green flag” series I’ve been going through, and this time we’re talking about the ladies.
Listen to the podcast version of this blog here!
Read the rest of the articles in this series below:
7 đźš© Red Flags in Christian Men
8 âś… Green Flags in Christian Men
8 âś… Green Flags in Christian Women
Honestly, I could probably write more red flags for the ladies than for the guys because I’m painfully aware of the ones I have myself. As I’ve grown in my relationship with Christ, I’ve learned to recognize a lot of “red flags” in myself and take them to Jesus. Back when I was dating, I cringe at the stuff I used to do! Even now, almost 3 years into marriage, I still discover little red flags in myself and have to work on them.
It’s important to realize, working through any of these “red flags” on your own will never work. You will always need to take your sin to the cross ~ that’s the only place freedom can be found. So if you see yourself in any one of these red flags, don’t be overwhelmed by the weight of working to improve. Take that flaw to the cross. He wants to make you whole.
Guys, I hope this post provides a starting point for you to develop what you appreciate in a significant other. Ask yourself not only what is important to you, but what also is important to the Lord.
Anyway, let’s dive in. Here are 7 red flags to should look for in Christian women:
🚩 1… She leans into insecurity
Every girl, deep down, doesn’t believe she’s beautiful at some point in their life. I struggle to believe it even now. It returns like a disease every so often, and I don’t know if it will ever go away.
But how do you handle the insecurities when they come?
I believe how a woman handles her insecurities says a lot about her character, not whether or not she has them.
It’s a bummer – this world has beauty standards that don’t match the Bible’s. The world tells women they need to wear makeup, have a 24″ waist, fit into size 2 pants, and flaunt our bodies for attention if they want to be loved.
A woman deserves to know she is beautiful. But that is not a man’s job to tell her.
God alone can shape the identity of a person, and God alone should be where women find their worth. It is so important women know they are beautiful, chosen, created intentionally, loved, cherished, and protected outside of a relationship. It is God’s responsibility to comfort a woman and tell her who she is, not a guy’s.
I slipped into this mindset in one of my past relationships. Comforted by the fact I “had a boyfriend,” anytime I thought I was ugly, I didn’t take my self-hatred to the Lord. I reassured myself by saying, “I can’t be ugly because I have a boyfriend.”
This logic crashed to the ground when we broke up, because all of a sudden, I didn’t have anyone telling me I was beautiful except Jesus. I had to lean on Jesus when I was feeling insecure ~ and that’s how it should be.
Since then, I’ve made it paramount that I run to Jesus first when I’m feeling insecure. Those insecure feelings will come. They still come, even though I have a husband who tells me I’m beautiful every day! But fishing for compliments from your boyfriend or spouse will never satisfy ~ and ultimately, that puts an unfair burden on him. It shouldn’t be his job to make you believe you are beautiful. That’s God’s place.
🚩 2… She doesn’t care for her body
This one applies to both genders, but I wanted to specifically feature it in this article.
It is easy to treat your body like a beater car you bought cheap. It is hard to treat your body like a rental car you’re borrowing.
Not taking care of your body looks different on everyone. For me, during low places in life it looked like not exercising, eating unhealthy food, not eating enough, not allowing myself to rest when I needed it, avoiding therapy, eating too much, etc.
If a woman is not able to take care of herself, she’s not ready to take care of anyone else.
Same goes for the guys, I’m afraid 🫣
We need to steward our bodies well. If we are at a healthy place physically, emotionally, and mentally, we are better prepared for a healthy relationship.
🚩 3… She’s flirty with almost every guy she meets
Don’t get me wrong: if you’re single and you think someone is cute, flirting is not wrong! It only becomes a red flag if that’s the automatic response you have to interacting with the opposite sex.
If a woman is so flirty she flirts with any guy her age, be wary. If she’s flirty with everyone now, she will probably be flirty toward others while in a relationship.
🚩 4… She doesn’t provide clarity
In a typical relationship, the guy pursues more (at least at the beginning) than the girl. Which means the girl has the responsibility to provide clarity and not lead that guy on.
Providing clarity is scary. Being honest with how you feel, possibly at the risk of hurting a guy’s feelings, is difficult to do. But saying a firm “no” is far better than saying a hesitant “yes,” a confusing “maybe,” or remaining silent.
I’m guilty of this one. I always justified it saying I didn’t want to be rude, hurt a guy’s feelings, or reject them. But eventually I realized: it’s far more kind to say no early on than to toy with their feelings because you’re feeling wishy-washy and nervous.
Guys, if you pursue someone and she pursues you back, that’s good news. You deserve to be wanted and pursued just as much!
But if she hesitates, acts hot-and-cold, and confuses you with how she interacts with you, be cautious. A godly relationship begins with clarity and peace, not confusion and frustration.
🚩 5… She is intentionally immodest
Friends, I know the world tells us we need to flaunt our bodies to get attention and be loved. I’ve done it before – it feels good to get attention.
But intentionally wearing immodest clothing is disrespectful and hurtful to both God and other men.
Guys are triggered visually. So wearing clothing that tempts men sets them at a disadvantage. It’s not just “your style,” and it’s not an expression of personality. It’s a deeper problem.
On the flip side, what a woman wears never justifies or excuses man’s lust. Men have free will. It does not matter what a girl is wearing, he can still choose to sin or not sin.
I see the church placing a lot of blame on women for the massive issue of lust in our culture, and I think it’s a load of poopy. Just as much as wearing immodest clothing doesn’t “force” guys to lust after your, wearing modest clothing doesn’t “force” them to think pure. Women can’t control men, and men shouldn’t control women.
BUT, from a place of love (not control), we are still called to protect the men in our lives and ourselves by prioritizing modesty.
A woman rooted in Christ shouldn’t feel the need to show skin to command attention. The priceless treasure doesn’t need to show off ~ it just is priceless.
🚩 6… She likes you for what you do, not who you are
Another one for both genders! I should have made a general one – I think all of these go both ways LOL.
Guys, consider what a girl might love about you. Does she love how you hit the gym, how you compliment her every day, how you can take her to the homecoming dance, your accomplishments and status, or how you buy her dinner every time you hang out? Or does she love your personality, your funny quirks and your heart, the way you think, and who you are?
One thing Nathan and I say to each other all the time is this: “it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, but who you’re doing it with.”
The best memories I have with Nathan don’t have much to do with what we’re doing. They’re usually just moments we get caught up in conversation and we’ll talk to each other for hours, because I love who he is so much.
Nathan’s a firefighter, and I am so proud of all the things he’s accomplished and the incredible way he serves as a first responder. But if Nathan chose to stop being a firefighter, I wouldn’t love him any less. I wouldn’t be any less proud of him. Because more than anything he’s done, I appreciate who he is.
Guys, you deserve to be loved for who you are, not for what you can do. The right woman will love you the same in the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the mountains and the valleys.
🚩 7… She isn’t in love with Jesus first
This is the most important of them all.
The human heart is designed to be filled. But only one thing won’t fall through the cracks: Jesus.
When we try to fill our hearts with a career or a boyfriend or accomplishments or any number of things, they trickle through the cracks of our broken heart like water in a fractured jar. But Jesus ~ Jesus not only fills those cracks, but he fills your heart entirely. There is no love like His.
If you are not madly in love with Jesus yet, you are not ready to be madly in love with anyone else.
I’ve realized it is in my relationship with Christ I’ve learned to practice my vows. It’s in my relationship with Christ I’ve learned what it means to be a godly woman, a godly wife, and how to live that calling out.
Nothing can ever fill my heart like Jesus.
And practically, if you’re in love with Jesus while you’re single, once you start dating, that relationship with Jesus provides a barrier against idolatry. It’s easy to idolize someone you love so much. But if you were already crazy in love with Jesus first, nothing can usurp the throne of your heart after that.
You should never love your significant other more than you love Jesus.
So for the guys out there, find someone who loves Jesus so much you can tell. When she talks about Jesus, her words swell with joy and excitement. She will run to Him for all things first ~ comfort, reassurance, peace… not you. She won’t make a decision without going to Jesus, and she will set aside intentional time with Him because she values that relationship over all others.
And this isn’t just for the ladies. Guys, you should be in love with Jesus before you enter any relationship, too! Take my word for it, living in love with God is unexplainable ~ and a relationship with Jesus is the greatest treasure you will ever have. Don’t forgo that.
I mentioned this in the 8 Red Flags to Look for in Christian Guys article before, but I have to say it again: we can go through dozens of red flags and nitpick all we want, but at the end of the day, there are situations that call for grace.
I know these articles might seem a little aggressive, but I only make them forward because relationships are a serious thing! Finding the person you will spend the rest of your life with shouldn’t be taken lightly. And considering all the red and green flags to look for in your significant other is important.
But God gives us grace for all the mistakes we make. So we need to give others grace, too.
Guys, you will never find the perfect woman. But there are some good ones out there who love the Lord with every fiber of their being. Pray for and seek that woman ~ and of course love the Lord with every fiber of your being, too.
And ultimately, the best place to find what makes a godly woman is the Bible! Check out Proverbs 31 to start and go from there ~ my blog is just my personal convictions, but God’s word is straight truth.
That’s all I have today ~ Thanks for reading and Jesus loves you!