Estimated reading time: 6 minutes:)
Hey fam!
As promised, Iām back for part two in this āred flag/green flagā series Iāve been going through, and this time weāre talking about the ladies.
Honestly, I could probably write more red flags for the ladies than for the guys because I am one! As Iāve grown in my relationship with Christ, Iāve learned to recognize a lot of āred flagsā in myself and take them to Jesus.
Each of these red flags are ones Iāve worked through or experienced myself. I was basically one big walking red flag until Jesus got to my heart.
And itās important to realize, working through any of these āred flagsā on your own will never succeed by itself. You will always need to take your sin to the cross ~ thatās the only place freedom can be found. So ladies, if you recognize yourself in any one of these red flags, donāt be overwhelmed by the weight of working to improve. Talk to God about it! Take that flaw to the cross. He wants to make you whole.
Gentlemen, I hope this post provides a starting point for you to develop what you appreciate in a significant other. Ask yourself not only what is important to you, but what also is important to the Lord.
Anyway, letās dive in. Here are 8 red flags to should look for in Christian women:
š© 1 ~ She doesnāt believe sheās beautiful
This one is tough. Because itās an internal struggle almost every girl has: at some point, she will believe sheās ugly.
It is sad this world has beauty standards that donāt match the Bibleās. The world tells women they need to wear makeup, have a 24ā³ waist, fit into size 2 pants, and flaunt our bodies for attention if we want to be loved. As Iām sure every woman reading this can relate, Iāve been through seasons when I legitimately thought I was ugly. By some trick of the devil, I looked at myself with contempt and bitterness instead of thankfulness for the body God gave me.
Hereās the thing: a woman deserves to know she is beautiful. But that is not a manās job to tell her.
God alone can shape the identity of a person, and God alone should be where women find their worth. It is so important women know they are beautiful, chosen, created intentionally, loved, cherished, and protected outside of a relationship. It is Godās responsibility to comfort a woman and tell her who she is, not a guyās.
I slipped into this mindset in one of my past relationships. Comforted by the fact I āhad a boyfriend,ā anytime I thought I was ugly I didnāt take that self-hatred to the Lord. I reassured myself by saying, āI canāt be ugly because I have a boyfriend.ā This logic crashed to the ground when we broke up, because all of a sudden, I didnāt have anyone telling me I was beautiful except Jesus. I had to lean on Jesus when I was feeling insecure ~ and thatās how it should be.
Since then, Iāve made it paramount that I run to Jesus first when Iām feeling insecure. Those insecure feelings will come. But fishing for compliments from your boyfriend will never satisfy ~ and ultimately, that puts an unfair burden on him. It shouldnāt be his job to make you believe you are beautiful. Thatās Godās place.
Guys, this neediness is a sign of a woman who needs to take her insecurities to Jesus. And if she hasnāt done that before entering a relationship, she probably isnāt ready to date you.
š© 2 ~ She doesnāt take care of her body
This one applies to both genders, but I wanted to specifically feature it on the womanās side.
It is easy to neglect your body. But it is our responsibility to steward our bodies well, because they arenāt ours to begin with. They are a temple used to glorify Jesus.
Not taking care of your body can look different for different people. For me, during low places in life it looked like not exercising, eating unhealthy food, not eating enough, not allowing myself to rest when I needed it, and ignoring my mental health.
I know this might sound harsh, but itās true: if a woman is not able to take care of herself, sheās not ready to take care of anyone else.
As women, we need to steward our bodies well. And if we are at a healthy place physically, emotionally, and mentally ~ we are better prepared for a healthy relationship.
Guys, be wary of the girl who doesnāt care what she eats, shoves her mental health under the rug, and isnāt active. Those are things she needs to work on before she enters any relationship.
š© 3 ~ Sheās flirty with almost every guy she meets
Donāt get me wrong: if youāre single and you think someone is cute, flirting is not wrong! It only becomes a red flag if thatās the automatic response you have to interacting with the opposite sex.
If a woman is so flirty she basically flirts with any guy her age, be wary. If sheās flirty with everyone now, she will probably be flirty with everyone while in a relationship.
Observe how she interacts with other guys. If sheās able to interact with other men in a plutonic, respectful way, thatās great! But if the only way she knows how to talk to guys is by flirting, thatās a sign of immaturity and growth that needs to happen.
š© 4 ~ Sheās not willing to provide clarity
In a typical relationship, the guy pursues more (at least at the beginning) than the girl. Which means the girl has the responsibility to provide clarity and not lead that guy on.
Providing clarity is scary. Being honest with how you feel, possibly at the risk of hurting a guyās feelings, is difficult to do. But saying the hard ānoā is far better than saying a hesitant āyes,ā a confusing āmaybe,ā or remaining silent.
Iāve made this mistake many times. I always justified it saying I didnāt want to be rude, hurt a guyās feelings, or reject them. But as I grew I realized: itās far more kind to say no early on than to toy with their feelings because youāre feeling wishy-washy and nervous.
Guys, if you pursue someone and she pursues you back, thatās perfect. You deserve to be wanted and pursued just as much!
But if she hesitates, acts hot-and-cold, and confuses you with how she interacts with you, be cautious. A godly relationship begins with clarity and peace, not confusion and frustration.
š© 5 ~ She opposes biblical gender roles
I debated including this one because it is such a triggering topic.
I think people read āgender rolesā and associate them with negative pictures of a housewife cleaning, cooking, and raising a dozen children. When I say ābiblical gender roles,ā thatās not what I mean.
What I mean is the outline God has laid out in the Bible for what each gender was designed for, and honoring that design.
There are so many technical nuances and interpretations regarding this topic, and I donāt want to dive into them too much. When I say āgender roles,ā I do not mean the woman must have children, must cook every night, canāt have a career, etc.
But I do believe in our modern age while feminism is popular, it can be easy to skew what it means to be a godly woman. And if a woman rejects her God-given role as a woman outlined in the Bible, Iād consider that a red flag.
I wonāt dive into what the biblical role of a woman is right now; I only wanted to say a Christian woman who rejects that role is one to be wary of. But if youāre curious what gender roles look like in the Bible and the different beliefs surrounding them, this article was really insightful for me (check it out if youāre curious!).
š© 6 ~ She is intentionally immodest
This one is huge!!
Ladies, I know the world tells us we need to flaunt our bodies to get attention and be loved. But intentionally wearing immodest clothing is disrespectful and hurtful to both God and other men.
Youāve heard it a thousand times, but itās easy to forget: guys are triggered visually. Wearing clothing that makes them lust after you is wrong. Itās not just āyour style,ā and itās not an expression of personality. Itās a deeper problem, usually rooted in insecurity or past wounds.
**I say āintentionally immodestā because there are women who do want to pursue modesty but havenāt had modesty defined for them, so they wear immodest clothing unintentionally. Modesty is a heart posture paired with action, and when the heart is in the right place there is grace for unintentional mistakes.
Now, this isnāt to say men donāt have to take responsibility for their actions. They still have a choice whether to lust after a woman or not, and what a woman wears does not leave an excuse for perverted behaviour. Unfortunately, there are some guys who will choose to lust after a woman no matter what theyāre wearing.
But as women, itās our responsibility to respect our brothers in Christ with what we wear. I donāt mean only wear oversized clothing and one-piece swimsuits. I mean, just be conscientious with what you wear and the image youāre presenting. Treat your body with respect.
A woman rooted in Christ shouldnāt feel the need to show skin to command attention. There is no need to prove her worth by showing too much; her worth is already immeasurable in Christ.
š© 7 ~ She likes you for what you do, not who you are
This one also goes for both genders, but Iāll mention it here.
Guys, consider what a girl might love about you. Does she love how you hit the gym, how you compliment her every day, how you can take her to the homecoming dance, your accomplishments and status, and how you buy her dinner every time you hang out? Or does she love your personality, your funny quirks and your heart, the way you think, and who you are?
One thing Nathan and I say to each other all the time is this: āit doesnāt matter what youāre doing, but who youāre doing it with.ā
I find the best memories I have with Nathan donāt have much to do with what weāre doing. Theyāre usually just moments we get caught up in conversation and weāll talk to each other for hours, because I love who he is so much.
Nathanās a firefighter, and I am so proud of all the things heās accomplished and the incredible way he serves as a first responder. But if Nathan chose to stop being a firefighter, I wouldnāt love him any less. I wouldnāt be any less proud of him. Because more than anything heās done, I appreciate who he is.
Guys, you deserve to be loved for who you are, not for what you can do. The right woman will love you the same in the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the mountains and the valleys.
š© 8 ~ She isnāt in love with Jesus first
This is arguably the most important of them all.
The human heart is designed to be filled. But only one thing wonāt fall through the cracks: Jesus.
When we try to fill our hearts with a career or a boyfriend or accomplishments or any number of things, they trickle through the cracks of our broken heart like water in a fractured jar. But Jesus ~ Jesus not only fills those cracks, but he fills your heart entirely. There is no love like His.
Sis, if you are not madly in love with Jesus yet, you are not ready to be madly in love with anyone else.
Because Iāve realized: it is in my relationship with Christ Iāve learned to practice my vows. Itās in my relationship with Christ Iāve learned what it means to be a godly woman, a godly wife, and how to live that calling out.
Nothing can ever fill my heart like Jesus! Iām serious, I get excited and emotional even writing about it because nothing compares to being loved in the presence of the Lord.
And practically, if youāre in love with Jesus while youāre single, once you start dating, that relationship with Jesus provides a barrier against idolatry. Itās easy to idolize someone you love so much. But if you were already crazy in love with Jesus first, nothing can usurp the throne of your heart after that.
You should never love your significant other more than you love Jesus.
So for the dudes out there, find someone who loves Jesus so much you can tell. When she talks about Jesus, her words will swell with joy and excitement. She will run to Him for all things first ~ comfort, reassurance, peaceā¦ She wonāt make a decision without going to Jesus, and she will set aside intentional time with Jesus consistently because she values that relationship over all others.
And this isnāt just for the ladies. Guys, you should be in love with Jesus before you enter any relationship, too! Take my word for it, living in love with God is unexplainable ~ and a relationship with Jesus is the greatest treasure you will ever have. Donāt forgo that.
I mentioned this in the 8 Red Flags to Look for in Christian Guys article before, but I have to say it again: we can go through dozens of red flags and nitpick all we want, but at the end of the day, there are situations that call for grace.
I know these articles might seem a little aggressive, but I only make them forward because relationships are a serious thing! Finding the person you will spend the rest of your life with shouldnāt be taken lightly. And considering all the red and green flags to look for in your significant other is important.
But God gives us grace for all the mistakes we make. So we need to give others grace, too.
Guys, you will never find the perfect woman. But there are some good ones out there who love the Lord with every fiber of their being. Pray for and seek that woman ~ and of course love the Lord with every fiber of your being, too.
And ultimately, the best place to find what makes a godly woman is the Bible! Check out Proverbs 31 to start and go from there ~ my blog is just my personal convictions drawn from scripture, but Godās word is straight truth.
Thatās all I have today ~ but stay tuned for next week! Iām diving into the green flags to look for in Christian guys, and Iām stoked to finally write about the good stuff hahaha:) Thanks for reading and Jesus loves you!