Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
Dating is SO HARD.
I am happily married today, but back when I was in the dating scene, it was a nightmare! Miscommunication, hard rejections, awkward social gatherings, sending “hints” – oh boy, I am glad for that season of my life to be over.
I don’t believe in soul mates. One person in the whole world being the only person you can get married to? A load of poopy. You ever find it weird how most can find their “soulmate” in their own country, state, or city?
I do believe, however, that once you pick the person you are going to marry, the moment you say “I do” is the moment they become the only option. Effectively, your soulmate. No one else in the world competes.
That’s why dating is so important. Dating should be an intentional pursuit to find the person you want to commit to for the rest of your life. That’s a long time.
Which means it’s that much more important to find someone who will treat you well, who will be a great father or mother one day, who is always working to be more like Jesus, and who loves the Lord with everything in them.
I decided to break this topic into 4 articles.
In this article I focused on the red flags to look for in Christian men, but I tackled the red and green on both sides in 4 separate blogs. You can read the rest below:
7 đźš© Red Flags in Christian Women
8 âś… Green Flags in Christian Men
8 âś… Green Flags in Christian Women
Ladies ~ I hope this post will help you understand what to look for in a godly man and the desires God has for your heart.
And if you’re a guy, this blog is for you, too! I hope it serves as a roadmap not for how to become more attractive, but for how to live in the godly way God wants us to. If you’re chasing Christ, attractiveness follows close behind.
Back when I was younger, I didn’t really see red flags.
I figured if a guy was cute and “loved Jesus” he was good enough to earn my heart. I didn’t pay attention to the details.
Like I said, I’m married now, but went through a fair bit of relationships before I met Nathan. I do not mean to say the guys I dated before are “red flags” – I just mean to say I’ve learned through the years what to look for, and what I ultimately wanted in a husband.
This is what I’ve gathered along the way. I’ve learned the difference between a man who just goes to church on Sundays and a man who’s sold out, crazy, heartsick for Jesus.
So let’s get into it:
🚩 #1… He Pushes Physical Boundaries
This seems obvious, but it becomes very challending because this red flag usually doesn’t show up until you’re already invested in a relationship.
A godly man will be willing to deny his desires in order to respect and honor you. It’s as simple as that. If a guy is breaking boundaries you both set in place OR going further than you are comfortable with, that’s a major red flag.
Nathan made it clear he wanted to move at my pace early on in our relationship, which I really admire.
I told him I hadn’t had my first kiss yet, and that I usually move really slow in relationships. Instead of pushing my boundaries, teasing me, or belittling me, he told me: “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’ll go at your pace, and I won’t make the first move until you’re comfortable with it.”
That respect carried beyond our dating relationship and into our marriage. Nathan doesn’t demand intimacy. He seeks to know my feelings first.
The right guy will not only honor the boundaries you both establish, but also honor the boundaries God established. As difficult as it can be to deny desires in the moment, the right guy will be willing to align with you on physical boundaries (inside and outside a tempting moment).
🚩 #2… He Isn’t Excited About Your Dreams
God has given you gifts. And from those gifts sprout beautiful dreams. Maybe you feel led to be a nurse. Maybe you want to be a business owner. Maybe you just want to be a mom.
Your guy might not have the same interests as you. But he should be your biggest cheerleader.
Nathan isn’t a big reader. But he still took time to read my book while we were dating. He wants to celebrate the wins with me, even though ready isn’t his idea of a fun time.
Being with a guy who isn’t excited about your dreams is discouraging. You’ll feel like you can’t share your aspirations with him, that your passions are a burden. You’ll start to think even mentioning them is an inconvenience. Don’t settle for someone who makes your God-given dreams feel like wishful thinking.
🚩 #3… He Wants to Change You
There’s a difference between good change and bad change.
In a healthy relationship, you should both be pushing each other toward healthy change. Keep each other accountable with your struggles, encourage each other to make wise decisions, and edify each other with your words. There’s nothing wrong with gentle, loving encouragement to improve. That’s good change.
Bad change is when a guy wants to mold you into someone you are not. This may look like pressuring you to wear something you aren’t comfortable wearing. Or trying to change your beliefs to match his own, without a care for how that pressure makes you feel.
In certain circumstances, this can also look like peer pressure. A guy might try to change you from someone with moral convictions to someone who lets things slide, whether those things are as small as disrespecting your parents or as big as substance use.
A guy should never interfere with your identity.
God is the only one who gets to say who you are. And if what a man is saying about you is different than what God is saying about you, run!
🚩 #4… You Turn Into a Different Person Around Him
This is a red flag you can look for in yourself, but it happens when a guy makes you uncomfortable in your own skin.
God designed you with so much intention, and it breaks his heart to see his daughters putting on masks to seem more “attractive” to the world. In his eyes, you are already the peak of beauty ~ to put a mask on would only hide how stunning you are.
This, to a certain extent, includes makeup. Of course, there’s nothing inherently wrong with putting on makeup. It’s fun to dress up, get fancy, and look nice for a guy. That’s perfectly fine!
But if you feel like you can’t show your natural face around him, ask yourself why. A godly man will still think you’re attractive with or without makeup on, and he will love you the same no matter what.
Same goes for your personality. If you don’t feel like you can be goofy, awkward, or silly around a guy, ask yourself why. The right man will love your genuine self even more than whatever mask you might be tempted to wear.
🚩 #5… Your Family/Trusted Friends Don’t Approve
When you marry someone, you aren’t just marrying that person. You’re marrying their family, too. And if they don’t approve, they might be seeing something you can’t.
Of course, there are exceptions. But in general, if you have a healthy relationship with your family and they don’t approve of a guy, they probably have pretty valid reasons.
Ultimately, your family and trusted friends know you best. They’ve seen you at your worst. They know how to piss you off, and they know how to make you feel loved. They probably also know who would be a good fit for you. And if they don’t approve of a guy, instead of getting upset and defensive, sit down and ask them why. Their opinion is valid, too.
🚩 #6… He Causes Conflict in Your Family
Similar to the one above, a guy shouldn’t be the cause of strife in your family.
If you have a curfew, your boyfriend should respect it, too. He should respect your family’s opinions, even if he disagrees with them. He should be able to build a loving relationship with them, too – they might be his own family someday. And on top of that, your family should be excited to see him, not dreading each time he visits.
Again, most of this applies only if you have a healthy relationship with your family.
God-given relationships are surrounded with peace, support from others, and clarity ~ NOT strife, confusion, arguments, and tension.
🚩 #7… You’re Not Attracted to Him
This one also seems obvious, but as a girl, it’s easier to date someone you’re not necessarily attracted to. You might try to justify it by claiming “he’ll get more attractive to me as our emotional connection grows,” but it usually doesn’t work that way.
Physical attraction certainly isn’t everything. But it can’t be left out, either. If you aren’t attracted to a guy emotionally and physically, be wary.
🚩 #8… He Watches Porn
Porn is adultery. There is no other way of putting it. If your boyfriend watches porn, that’s as good as him cheating on you.
And I get it. I know the stats. I know how common it is. I know it’s nearly impossible to find a guy who doesn’t actively watch porn. But do not settle.
I think the situation is a little different if you’re already in a solid relationship. Let’s say your man accidentally slips in a weak moment. If he tries to hide that from you, has no desire to be kept accountable, or doesn’t view it as a problem: major red flag. He should bring that to you, set accountability, and battle it actively.
Do not enter a relationship with someone who sees nothing wrong with porn.
Also do not enter a relationship with someone who actively struggles with porn abuse, even if they think it’s wrong. If he is still struggling with that sin, he is not ready for a relationship. It’s pretty cut-and-dry.
It’s a weird conversation, and there’s no pressure to discuss that on the first date. A lot of guys might think that’s a bit forward and off putting so early. But it is a conversation that has to happen early.
Offer grace and forgiveness, but do not compromise. Pray for your future spouse’s heart. Ask God that He would protect him in moments of weakness, keep captive his thoughts, and keep him from temptation. God alone provides the strength and avenue to resist temptations.
At the end of the day, there are dozens of red flags out there. I could go on and on about things you can nitpick in order to find the perfect guy. But no one is perfect.
If you’re waiting for the “perfect” guy, you’ll never find him.
But if you’re waiting for a godly man who love Jesus with his whole heart ~ who treasures his relationship with God first and foremost ~ you’re waiting for a keeper.
Make a list of the non-negotiables. Paint a picture of the person you hope to marry one day. A non-negotiable might be “Loves Jesus (like actually loves him)” or “interacts with his parents respectfully.”
What should not be on that list includes “has to be at least 6 feet tall,” “has to play football,” or “must hate the Patriots as much as I do.”
Even your dream guy will make mistakes from time to time. We all have red flags. We all need grace; what would be the point of the cross if we didn’t?
Don’t compromise on the important things.
At the end of the day, if you’re looking for what makes a godly man, read your bible! This blog is just my personal convictions I’ve derived from reading scripture ~ but scripture is pure, straight-into-your-heart truth.
Thanks for reading ~ Jesus loves you!
