Estimated reading time: 5 minutes:)
Some of you might have noticed how I’ve taken a break from blogging the last three weeks. To be honest, I haven’t had the words to express what life is like lately (psht that’s a first). I’ve also been in a season of wanting to talk about alllll the things on my mind, but learning to exercise control over what I share and being sensitive to what should be shared.
I have learned so much the last month. Life has looked so different, I don’t even know how to begin writing about it. But I think this morning I’m going to try.
6 weeks ago, I went on a date with a guy I’d never met before, named Nathan. I didn’t have high hopes because for so long my hoping has led to disappointment, and after so much hurt, hope gets hard.
But turns out Nathan is pretty cool.
Actually not just cool, he’s pretty amazing hehe.
And the details are for another time. But the point is, I’ve unexpectedly found myself in this beautiful amazing relationship. I didn’t see it coming. And I certainly don’t feel like I deserve it.
For nearly two years, I’ve wrestled with singleness. You guys know, I probably wrote about it at least once a month. It was on my heart and God taught me so much during that time.
I loved being single. Well, for a while I didn’t. But the last 9 months to a year-ish? Beautiful. I got to learn what it looks like to submit my heart to God like a wife submits to her husband. God became my closest friend, the first in my heart, my deepest love, my God.
I’ve written pages and pages about all the things God taught me about singleness. I could go on and on.
But for about 9 months now, I’ve felt like God was preparing my heart for the next season.
I knew I didn’t deserve to get married. I wasn’t entitled to it. I was okay with not getting married, because I learned how beautiful life could be with just God. I still wanted to get married (like really bad), but I gave that dream to God and said, “Your wil be done.”
And after I did that, God burdened my heart with the realization that I wouldn’t stay single forever.
There was this one night. I was sitting in my car listening to music, pouring out my heart because I was so joyful to just rest in God’s hands and be held by Jesus. No guy. No relationship. Just me and God.
And in that moment I was overcome with this bittersweet feeling. And God said to me,
“This won’t last forever. You won’t be only mine forever.”
So I knew God was preparing my heart. But for when? I had no idea.
Then at the most unexpected moment, out of my hands and out of my control, Nathan stumbled into my life.
And truthfully, I don’t know how to talk about it. For so long, I’ve written my blog out of my wounds. I’ve taken a magnifying glass to my scars and said, “Jesus was here, even here.”
But now ~ guys, now life is so happy. And I don’t know what to do with happiness.
I guess I always felt it was wrong to write about the happiness in my life because I feared someone would read about it and feel discouraged about their own hurt. I mean, I remember struggling through a breakup and watching perfect Christian women brag about their husbands on Instagram. It sucked. So I swore to myself I’d never brag about stuff like that because I didn’t want to hurt anyone.
But is it bragging to say, “God healed me”?
Is it wrong to exclaim, “there is light at the end of the tunnel”?
And not that I needed Nathan in my life to be healed. Only God can do that. And not that the light at the end of the tunnel is your future relationship. That light is Jesus and Jesus alone.
But being in a relationship with Nathan has opened my eyes to God’s goodness and faithfulness in completely new ways. And I can’t stay silent about it.
For so long, I stumbled through the dark and begged God to answer my prayers and cried every night because my heart was hurting. But God is healing me! He has healed me! He’s going to heal me! He’s answering my prayers. My humble, bold requests. And these gifts are more beautiful than I could ever ask for or imagine.
I wrote this poem a few weeks ago:
Grief has taught me many things
And sleepless nights
And crying in the dark
And crawling through the valley
And a heart shattered into pieces.
Lord, while the rain has taught me many lessons
Show me the sunshine teaches more.
Jesus, while the cross has taught me much
Show me how Sunday teaches more.
I know you are faithful in the dark.
She me how faithful you are in the light.
This is my prayer over this season of happiness I find myself in. This season I definitely don’t deserve. This season that is a pure gift from a good Father.
But I guess I share all this to say:
God is writing a beautiful story for you too, friend.
He sees you. He saw you that one night you cried yourself to sleep. He saw you the time you fell on your knees and couldn’t get back up again. He saw you when you rested your head on your steering wheel and screamed out to God. He saw you when all you had left to pray were faint whispers. He saw you when getting out of bed was a battle. He saw you when you were on the floor. Broken.
I lived under the rain for so long, I lost faith in the sunshine. In fact, I lived under the rain for so long, I thought rain was the only weather I’d experience.
Keep your chin up, child.
Psalms 30:1-5 says,
“I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up
and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.
O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.
Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.”
I don’t ever want to share the happy things happening in my life to brag. None of this is my doing. I don’t deserve to have someone as cool as Nathan in my life. I don’t deserve to be in a healthy, God-centered, beautiful relationship. And I certainly didn’t do anything to earn such an incredible gift.
But I want to share the happy things in my life because I hope they are beacons of hope that shine on Jesus. I hope you can read this and be reminded: God loves you. He’s taking care of you. He’s writing a beautiful story for your life, even if it doesn’t look very beautiful right now. And He loves to give his children good gifts.
Joy comes with the morning.
Jesus isn’t just with us in the night. He brings the morning.
Jesus doesn’t just stand with you in the storm. He makes the sea be still.
Jesus didn’t just die on the cross. He rose from the dead.
Our God is a God who wants his children to have faith that Sunday is coming. Do you?
Close your eyes and listen to this song. Dare you not to cry;) Happy Saturday and God bless!!