Estimated reading time: 6 minutes:)
As promised, I’m back for part two in this “red flag/green flag” series I’ve been going through, and this time we’re talking about the ladies.
Honestly, I could probably write more red flags for the ladies than for the guys because I am one! As I’ve grown in my relationship with Christ, I’ve learned to recognize a lot of “red flags” in myself and take them to Jesus.
Each of these red flags are ones I’ve worked through or experienced myself. I was basically one big walking red flag until Jesus got to my heart.
And it’s important to realize, working through any of these “red flags” on your own will never succeed by itself. You will always need to take your sin to the cross ~ that’s the only place freedom can be found. So ladies, if you recognize yourself in any one of these red flags, don’t be overwhelmed by the weight of working to improve. Talk to God about it! Take that flaw to the cross. He wants to make you whole.
Gentlemen, I hope this post provides a starting point for you to develop what you appreciate in a significant other. Ask yourself not only what is important to you, but what also is important to the Lord.
Anyway, let’s dive in. Here are 8 red flags to should look for in Christian women:
🚩 1 ~ She doesn’t believe she’s beautiful
This one is tough. Because it’s an internal struggle almost every girl has: at some point, she will believe she’s ugly.
It is sad this world has beauty standards that don’t match the Bible’s. The world tells women they need to wear makeup, have a 24″ waist, fit into size 2 pants, and flaunt our bodies for attention if we want to be loved. As I’m sure every woman reading this can relate, I’ve been through seasons when I legitimately thought I was ugly. By some trick of the devil, I looked at myself with contempt and bitterness instead of thankfulness for the body God gave me.
Here’s the thing: a woman deserves to know she is beautiful. But that is not a man’s job to tell her.
God alone can shape the identity of a person, and God alone should be where women find their worth. It is so important women know they are beautiful, chosen, created intentionally, loved, cherished, and protected outside of a relationship. It is God’s responsibility to comfort a woman and tell her who she is, not a guy’s.
I slipped into this mindset in one of my past relationships. Comforted by the fact I “had a boyfriend,” anytime I thought I was ugly I didn’t take that self-hatred to the Lord. I reassured myself by saying, “I can’t be ugly because I have a boyfriend.” This logic crashed to the ground when we broke up, because all of a sudden, I didn’t have anyone telling me I was beautiful except Jesus. I had to lean on Jesus when I was feeling insecure ~ and that’s how it should be.
Since then, I’ve made it paramount that I run to Jesus first when I’m feeling insecure. Those insecure feelings will come. But fishing for compliments from your boyfriend will never satisfy ~ and ultimately, that puts an unfair burden on him. It shouldn’t be his job to make you believe you are beautiful. That’s God’s place.
Guys, this neediness is a sign of a woman who needs to take her insecurities to Jesus. And if she hasn’t done that before entering a relationship, she probably isn’t ready to date you.
🚩 2 ~ She doesn’t take care of her body
This one applies to both genders, but I wanted to specifically feature it on the woman’s side.
It is easy to neglect your body. But it is our responsibility to steward our bodies well, because they aren’t ours to begin with. They are a temple used to glorify Jesus.
Not taking care of your body can look different for different people. For me, during low places in life it looked like not exercising, eating unhealthy food, not eating enough, not allowing myself to rest when I needed it, and ignoring my mental health.
I know this might sound harsh, but it’s true: if a woman is not able to take care of herself, she’s not ready to take care of anyone else.
As women, we need to steward our bodies well. And if we are at a healthy place physically, emotionally, and mentally ~ we are better prepared for a healthy relationship.
Guys, be wary of the girl who doesn’t care what she eats, shoves her mental health under the rug, and isn’t active. Those are things she needs to work on before she enters any relationship.
🚩 3 ~ She’s flirty with almost every guy she meets
Don’t get me wrong: if you’re single and you think someone is cute, flirting is not wrong! It only becomes a red flag if that’s the automatic response you have to interacting with the opposite sex.
If a woman is so flirty she basically flirts with any guy her age, be wary. If she’s flirty with everyone now, she will probably be flirty with everyone while in a relationship.
Observe how she interacts with other guys. If she’s able to interact with other men in a plutonic, respectful way, that’s great! But if the only way she knows how to talk to guys is by flirting, that’s a sign of immaturity and growth that needs to happen.
🚩 4 ~ She’s not willing to provide clarity
In a typical relationship, the guy pursues more (at least at the beginning) than the girl. Which means the girl has the responsibility to provide clarity and not lead that guy on.
Providing clarity is scary. Being honest with how you feel, possibly at the risk of hurting a guy’s feelings, is difficult to do. But saying the hard “no” is far better than saying a hesitant “yes,” a confusing “maybe,” or remaining silent.
I’ve made this mistake many times. I always justified it saying I didn’t want to be rude, hurt a guy’s feelings, or reject them. But as I grew I realized: it’s far more kind to say no early on than to toy with their feelings because you’re feeling wishy-washy and nervous.
Guys, if you pursue someone and she pursues you back, that’s perfect. You deserve to be wanted and pursued just as much!
But if she hesitates, acts hot-and-cold, and confuses you with how she interacts with you, be cautious. A godly relationship begins with clarity and peace, not confusion and frustration.
🚩 5 ~ She opposes biblical gender roles
I debated including this one because it is such a triggering topic.
I think people read “gender roles” and associate them with negative pictures of a housewife cleaning, cooking, and raising a dozen children. When I say “biblical gender roles,” that’s not what I mean.
What I mean is the outline God has laid out in the Bible for what each gender was designed for, and honoring that design.
There are so many technical nuances and interpretations regarding this topic, and I don’t want to dive into them too much. When I say “gender roles,” I do not mean the woman must have children, must cook every night, can’t have a career, etc.
But I do believe in our modern age while feminism is popular, it can be easy to skew what it means to be a godly woman. And if a woman rejects her God-given role as a woman outlined in the Bible, I’d consider that a red flag.
I won’t dive into what the biblical role of a woman is right now; I only wanted to say a Christian woman who rejects that role is one to be wary of. But if you’re curious what gender roles look like in the Bible and the different beliefs surrounding them, this article was really insightful for me (check it out if you’re curious!).
🚩 6 ~ She is intentionally immodest
This one is huge!!
Ladies, I know the world tells us we need to flaunt our bodies to get attention and be loved. But intentionally wearing immodest clothing is disrespectful and hurtful to both God and other men.
You’ve heard it a thousand times, but it’s easy to forget: guys are triggered visually. Wearing clothing that makes them lust after you is wrong. It’s not just “your style,” and it’s not an expression of personality. It’s a deeper problem, usually rooted in insecurity or past wounds.
**I say “intentionally immodest” because there are women who do want to pursue modesty but haven’t had modesty defined for them, so they wear immodest clothing unintentionally. Modesty is a heart posture paired with action, and when the heart is in the right place there is grace for unintentional mistakes.
Now, this isn’t to say men don’t have to take responsibility for their actions. They still have a choice whether to lust after a woman or not, and what a woman wears does not leave an excuse for perverted behaviour. Unfortunately, there are some guys who will choose to lust after a woman no matter what they’re wearing.
But as women, it’s our responsibility to respect our brothers in Christ with what we wear. I don’t mean only wear oversized clothing and one-piece swimsuits. I mean, just be conscientious with what you wear and the image you’re presenting. Treat your body with respect.
A woman rooted in Christ shouldn’t feel the need to show skin to command attention. There is no need to prove her worth by showing too much; her worth is already immeasurable in Christ.
🚩 7 ~ She likes you for what you do, not who you are
This one also goes for both genders, but I’ll mention it here.
Guys, consider what a girl might love about you. Does she love how you hit the gym, how you compliment her every day, how you can take her to the homecoming dance, your accomplishments and status, and how you buy her dinner every time you hang out? Or does she love your personality, your funny quirks and your heart, the way you think, and who you are?
One thing Nathan and I say to each other all the time is this: “it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, but who you’re doing it with.”
I find the best memories I have with Nathan don’t have much to do with what we’re doing. They’re usually just moments we get caught up in conversation and we’ll talk to each other for hours, because I love who he is so much.
Nathan’s a firefighter, and I am so proud of all the things he’s accomplished and the incredible way he serves as a first responder. But if Nathan chose to stop being a firefighter, I wouldn’t love him any less. I wouldn’t be any less proud of him. Because more than anything he’s done, I appreciate who he is.
Guys, you deserve to be loved for who you are, not for what you can do. The right woman will love you the same in the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the mountains and the valleys.
🚩 8 ~ She isn’t in love with Jesus first
This is arguably the most important of them all.
The human heart is designed to be filled. But only one thing won’t fall through the cracks: Jesus.
When we try to fill our hearts with a career or a boyfriend or accomplishments or any number of things, they trickle through the cracks of our broken heart like water in a fractured jar. But Jesus ~ Jesus not only fills those cracks, but he fills your heart entirely. There is no love like His.
Sis, if you are not madly in love with Jesus yet, you are not ready to be madly in love with anyone else.
Because I’ve realized: it is in my relationship with Christ I’ve learned to practice my vows. It’s in my relationship with Christ I’ve learned what it means to be a godly woman, a godly wife, and how to live that calling out.
Nothing can ever fill my heart like Jesus! I’m serious, I get excited and emotional even writing about it because nothing compares to being loved in the presence of the Lord.
And practically, if you’re in love with Jesus while you’re single, once you start dating, that relationship with Jesus provides a barrier against idolatry. It’s easy to idolize someone you love so much. But if you were already crazy in love with Jesus first, nothing can usurp the throne of your heart after that.
You should never love your significant other more than you love Jesus.
So for the dudes out there, find someone who loves Jesus so much you can tell. When she talks about Jesus, her words will swell with joy and excitement. She will run to Him for all things first ~ comfort, reassurance, peace… She won’t make a decision without going to Jesus, and she will set aside intentional time with Jesus consistently because she values that relationship over all others.
And this isn’t just for the ladies. Guys, you should be in love with Jesus before you enter any relationship, too! Take my word for it, living in love with God is unexplainable ~ and a relationship with Jesus is the greatest treasure you will ever have. Don’t forgo that.
I mentioned this in the 8 Red Flags to Look for in Christian Guys article before, but I have to say it again: we can go through dozens of red flags and nitpick all we want, but at the end of the day, there are situations that call for grace.
I know these articles might seem a little aggressive, but I only make them forward because relationships are a serious thing! Finding the person you will spend the rest of your life with shouldn’t be taken lightly. And considering all the red and green flags to look for in your significant other is important.
But God gives us grace for all the mistakes we make. So we need to give others grace, too.
Guys, you will never find the perfect woman. But there are some good ones out there who love the Lord with every fiber of their being. Pray for and seek that woman ~ and of course love the Lord with every fiber of your being, too.
And ultimately, the best place to find what makes a godly woman is the Bible! Check out Proverbs 31 to start and go from there ~ my blog is just my personal convictions drawn from scripture, but God’s word is straight truth.
That’s all I have today ~ but stay tuned for next week! I’m diving into the green flags to look for in Christian guys, and I’m stoked to finally write about the good stuff hahaha:) Thanks for reading and Jesus loves you!