Estimated reading time: 3 minutes:)
I’ve done a lot of introspection this week.
It’s tough, because I can’t share all the details of the things on my heart.
But this week I was just reminded I still have a lot of healing to go through.
I hate feeling weak and hurt, so I tend to shove hurt from the past under the rug so I don’t have to think about it. And when I finally do muster up enough courage to confront the hurt I still harbor inside, I get overwhelmed.
It’s a yucky feeling. And it’s kind of frustrating, you know? It’s a mixture of getting annoyed at myself for still being bothered by things from the past, while also feeling defeated by the emotions that show up from those wounds.
I think I felt kind of impatient with God this week.
The things I’m still healing from happened so long ago. And God has healed me so faithfully since then. But I’m not done healing yet, and I think I just got tired of waiting.
I got tired of the flashbacks, the weird anxieties, the emotional resistance, the walls in my mind, the triggers. I just want to be past all the pain, fixed and ready to go again.
I know I’m not alone in feeling like this.
Have you ever felt frustrated at God for the pace of your healing? Frustrated at yourself? I’m there, right now.
It’s a discouraging spot. Not only do I feel the need to beat myself up for not being healed yet, but I also feel like questioning God. Like, have you forgotten me? Why do I still feel like this?
I know God hasn’t forgotten me, but sometimes I feel differently.
Anyway, as I walked through all this last week, God reminded me of a few things. So maybe if you’re going through the same thing, they can be an encouragement to you. Firstly,
1. I am not a burden for being in the process of healing.
I think it’s easy for me to feel like a burden while I’m healing. Because I need extra grace with some things.
For instance, there are still some bible passages that make me tense up inside because I associate them with bad memories. So if I’m reading the bible with a friend, I need extra patience as I fight to go through that passage without shutting down like I always would before.
It’s inconvenient for the people in my life who walk through that with me. But I am not a burden for needing that grace.
As a church, we are called to bear one another’s burdens. I know none of my friends would feel annoyed at me for needing extra grace. And I know if any one of my friends were to need grace for something like that, I would be more than happy to give it!
Feeling like a burden is a lie from the devil that tricks you into believing you’re too heavy for God to carry. But God carried the weight of the world ~ he can surely carry you.
Another thing God reminded me this week is:
2. I am not alone in feeling like this.
Why is this lie so easy to believe?
Healing is a lonely place sometimes. The enemy delights in isolating the one who loves Jesus. He wants you to believe no one will ever understand how you feel. That your story is “out there,” that your wounds only happened to you.
This isn’t farther from the truth. I know no one has lived my life exactly, but there is nothing new under the sun ~ we all wrestle with similar struggles.
And even if you don’t know anyone who’s going through what you’re going through ~ Jesus is.
We have a high priest who empathizes with our weaknesses. There is no temptation he has not tasted, no struggle he has not encountered, no wound he does not understand.
As he hung up on that cross, he felt the pain of every wound. He understood the deepest pain you’ve gone through and felt it ~ before it even happened! And even now, he is with you as you wrestle through that pain.
Lastly, God reminded me…
3. It’s okay to feel weak.
I don’t like the process of healing. It’s humbling and slow. I feel defeated and frustrated at myself when I can’t control my emotions. And ultimately, I begin to see just how weak I am.
But God doesn’t shame us for our weaknesses. He doesn’t even try to hype you up by saying “just transcend this weak feeling, you got this, you are an absolute boss girl.” Nope. He sits with us through our weaknesses, and uses even them.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, “he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Our weaknesses are just a canvas for his strength, child.
It is okay to be weak.
The Lord knows you need him every single day; reaching out to him for help is not embarrassing, it is what he delights in. And in fact, feigning strength and self-sufficiency is far worse than coming to God on your knees feeling like an absolute bozo.
I’ve been feeling frustrated at myself this week, impatient, and weak. As I ask God to keep healing me, a lot of tough things are stirred up in the process. It’s not easy.
But God is with me, walking through it as I walk through it. I am not a burden, I am not alone, and it’s okay to feel weak as I stumble down this path with Jesus. Because he’s right there with me!
There will be victory. There will be healing. And if not yet, soon. Don’t give up.