You’ve heard opposites attract.
Well, it’s especially true for my husband and I – at least in which hobbies and careers we gravitate towards. Here I am, the author, the crafty cooky home-schooled kid who reads too much. You wouldn’t be surprised to find my day job is in marketing, where I can create all day long for a small baby product business.
Nathan is so different. He became a firefighter five years ago, and runs straight into danger. His idea of fun is launching himself down a mountain on a muddy bike, or (in the winter) on a scuffed-up snowboard. Blood doesn’t bother him. Heights don’t scare him. He’s constantly ambitious and brave. And this year, he decided he wanted to become a paramedic.
The program we chose is expedited, which means the commitment is fast but intensive. From January to June, he did the school portion of the program – studying constantly, attending class, all while juggling his full-time job at the fire station.
Then he had clinicals during the summer, which he’d schedule on his days off. If you’re not familiar, in my area firefighters work for 48 hours straight, and then come home for 4 days. It’s a great schedule, until your 4 days home are packed with other things. Most weeks, he’d need to do two or three 12-hour clinicals on his 4 days off. It was a busy summer indeed.
But it all paled in comparison to the Fall looming ahead. Because in August, he’d start his field internship, where he’d need to be at an entirely different department (an hour away) for 36 hours ON TOP OF his 48 hour shift. A schedule that would last for 3-4 months.
For first responders and healthcare workers, you probably think I’m being dramatic. You’re used to the insanity. But listen! I’m not used to this crazy schedule!
Anyway, while my husband is working towards his dream career, I’ve been alone quite a bit this Fall. His sacrifice has been hard work, grueling weeks, sleepless nights, and hours of mental energy. My sacrifice has been more subtle: lonely nights, keeping up with chores so he can come home to a cozy space, and acknowledging I can’t lean on him as much during this season.
We’re rounding the bend of our last month on this insane schedule, and I can say I’ve learned a lot about myself. Being alone teaches you things.
I got married at 19 and moved from a house with eight people straight into marriage. I’d never really been alone. Surrounded by people to entertain you, talk with, make decisions for you – you almost forget who you are. It becomes easier to default to their judgement. It starts small; at first, you eat the snacks they eat, watch the shows they want to watch. But then their worldviews, their opinions, their routines start seeping in.
On one hand, growing up in a big family makes you go-with-the-flow, calm and unoffended, the kind of person who would say “you’re on thick ice with me.”
On the other hand, you lose a bit of your backbone, and you forget to be an individual.
Nathan has been gone for 75% of his time this autumn, and I miss him more than ever – but for the first time in my life, I’ve had to face the awfully uncomfortable question: what does Annabelle like?
Turns out, I wasn’t very well acquainted with myself after all.
For the first few weeks, I did so many chores. With all the extra time alone, and Nathan working hard for his future, I felt like I needed to be productive, in a way that would help him.
When I burned through my chore list, I moved on to planning time with friends and family. I still felt like I needed to be productive with my time, and being with friends or family seemed like a selfless way of being productive. I could invest in other people. Much better than sitting with myself.
Eventually, pockets in my schedule inevitably opened – a friend would cancel coffee because she was sick, or my family would be away on a trip. I had to do the unthinkable. I had to think about what I wanted to do.
When you’re out of practice, it’s a grueling thing to explore. It feels selfish, especially when your partner is being so selfless with their career endeavors.
But gradually, I built my Pinterest board and starting checking off some crafts or activities that inspired me. I made a homemade candy garland for spooky season with cotton balls and fabric. I cut up the cards I’d been hoarding for years and pieced them together into a sentimental collage. I built a candle bouquet (don’t come at me, I know they are trending or whatever, but I’m just trying new things ok).
Here are some pictures of my creations:
My candy garland ✨
The cut up letters and cards →
The candle bouqet!
At times, I’d feel the need to justify why I was doing such silly and frivolous things. “It’s cheaper to make my Halloween decor than to buy it!” “I had to do something with those cards, they were getting so disorganized.” “I thrifted the candles at least!”
But eventually I had to accept something uncomfortable: I’m allowed to do things simply because I enjoy them.
I don’t need to be productive all the time. I don’t need to go to bed exhausted every single night. I don’t need to be proving my worth with every activity I choose.
I’d forgotten joy is a fruit of the spirit. And funny enough, productivity isn’t.
Before this fall began, I felt intimidated and stressed about being alone so much. I worried what it would do to our marriage, not being able to see each other more than once or twice a week.
Now that we’re almost finished, I am really grateful for this uncomfortable time. It’s forced me to get to know myself. Turns out, I really like boiled eggs for breakfast, and I can make myself boiled eggs for breakfast just because I want to. I learned I missed reading for fun. I learned I really like the ritual of making tea every morning. I learned it’s okay to sit and watch a crappy dating show for a little while after a long day of work. I learned I like pilates.
So many women lose themselves as they walk into marriage or motherhood. The role of being a wife or a mother is such an honor and a gift, but it can consume much more than it ever should have.
I’m not a worse employee, wife, or big sister by doing the things I enjoy. I’m better at all those things if I’m better at being me.
Anyway, spend some time this week doing something YOU enjoy. Sit with yourself a little while. You’ll probably hate it. But it gets easier (and more fun) with practice 🤍
Thanks for reading!
XOXO,
Annabelle