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People love to give you marriage advice.
Some of it’s amazing, some of it’s… interesting, and some of it takes a few years of marriage to fully understand and accept.
Now that Nathan and I are a little over two years into marriage, I wanted to revisit some of the advice we’ve been given and share how it’s held up.
Here’s my honest review of five “marriage tips” we’ve received.
1. “Never say ‘always’ or ‘never.’”
Rating: 10/10
My dad has bee drilling this into my brain since I can remember. Even before I met Nathan, he’d bring this advice up to me often. Usually when I said something dumb like “I always have to empty the dishwasher!”
When I met Nathan, the advice became deeper and more meaningful. I finally began to understand how “always” and “never” are so damaging.
When you’re heated, it’s easy to say things like, “You never help me” or “You always do ______.” But no one ever “always” or “never” does something. It’s just not true. And emotionally charged statements like that never generate a productive conversation – they just spark defensiveness. I mean, how would you react if someone said “You NEVER take out the trash.” You’ll be like, “no, I recall that one time I did it back when I was 12” and now you’re in the weeds, arguing about something stupid.
We’ve found that eliminating “always” and “never” from our vocabulary keeps conflict from spiraling. When we’ve ignored this advice? We’ve regretted it every time.
2. “Make a clear chore list and divide responsibilities 5050.”
Rating: 8/10
I don’t remember where this came from – a book? a podcast? a friend? – but the advice was to create a clear list of household responsibilities and split them evenly.
So within the first week of being newly married, we made a note in our phones and divvied up chores: I took grocery shopping and laundry; Nathan took the bathrooms, floors, and car care. Cooking and dishes were 50/50.
It worked beautifully at first. There were no unspoken expectations or “Why isn’t this getting cleaned??” arguments.
But over time, our list evolved. Some tasks naturally became shared, and some days one of us simply couldn’t keep up with our “assigned” chores. Some seasons, one person would have to carry the brunt of chores because the other had too much on their plate.
Here’s what I’ve learned: a chore list works best when it’s paired with grace and communication.
Sticking to a strict 50/50 is helpful if you need added accountability to get chores done and clear communication about responsibility. But it can turn into a legalistic rule in your home when you take it too far. And when you don’t offer help or grace when your spouse can’t get something done, and instead get annoyed, that can breed a lot of resentment.
On the flip side, it’s important no single spouse is taking the majority of the work most of the time. Those lopsided seasons shouldn’t be permanent. You should both want to support and care for each other, so splitting the chores 50/50 is a good starting point. But it shouldn’t be treated as a concrete rule.
3. “Learn to enjoy the days your spouse is away.”
Rating: 7/10
This one came from a fellow fire wife when I was struggling with Nathan’s schedule early on in our marriage. Nathan works 48 hours straight, and then comes home for 4 days, which means I’m alone for 2 days every week. Seeking any sort of advice to help me get used to such a tough schedule, I asked for her greatest advice for a new fire wife.
She told me: “Find ways to enjoy the time he’s gone.”
At first, I thought, “You must hate your husband. I can’t imagine enjoying the days he’s away.”
That might sound dramatic, but to provide some context, I had just gone from a house bustling with 8 people to being alone for 48 hours at a time. Growing up, I don’t remember every being alone for more than 3 hours. And to make matters worse, we moved an hour away from my friends and family, so it was difficult even seeing them when Nathan was away.
At the time, I wasn’t prepared to accept that advice. To be honest, I couldn’t fathom enjoying such lonely days.
BUT over time, I began to understand what she meant.
I started using those lonely nights for hobbies. Then I started picking “me shows” like The Bachelor or Love Is Blind – I’m talking full blown brain rot trash TV lol. There was something weirdly fun about snuggling up and eating chocolate while I watch couples make horrifying decisions.
This advice I treasure now, because I’ve learned to live it. And it has helped. But I don’t think it’s the best advice for someone who’s not used to their spouse being gone so much. It can come across as insensitive or misunderstanding of the loneliness and pain they feel. The struggle of being away from your spouse, especially when they are putting their life in danger, is so real. It’s terrifying and lonely and hard.
So I rated this advice a 7, not because it’s bad, but because it’s depends heavily on the situation of the one hearing it.
4. “Don’t go to bed angry.”
Rating: 5/10
This one comes straight from Scripture: “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” But more specifically, it’s been applied to marriage as a universal rule by the church. I’ve honestly only ever heard this scripture applied to marriage, and I believe it has a much wider application.
On one hand, I fully agree that holding on to anger before you go to bed is super unhealthy. When we don’t address something before bed, we’ll have a hard time falling asleep, we’ll avoid the conversation because we’re lazy, and we’ll effectively tell the other person we don’t care about the conflict by avoiding it. That’s obviously not great.
But here’s the problem: sometimes forcing a late-night resolution leads to winding in circles, saying increasingly hurtful things, and getting nowhere because we’re too tired.
This verse begins by saying “In your anger do not sin.”
If, as you are angry, sinning looks like avoiding the conversation, then by all means, address it before bed.
But if, as you are angry, sinning looks like fighting for a perfect apology or resolution your spouse can’t give because they are too tired, I believe sometimes it’s wiser to set an intention of addressing the conversation in the morning, and finishing the argument later.
We’ve learned it’s okay to sleep on it, IF we set the intention to revisit the conversation the next morning. Those next-day talks are calmer, kinder, and far more productive. So I don’t believe “don’t go to bed angry” is as universal of a rule.
5. “It’s fine to read smut.”
Rating: 2/10 (for us)
This one wasn’t advice directly given to me, but it’s a perspective I’ve seen often in Christian circles. The common verdict? Reading smut is harmless.
Disclaimer: if you read smut, I am NOT judging you. This is my personal conviction for my own marriage, and these are just opinions! I’m not here to bash you for your own decisions.
I discovered smut on accident a few years ago, and developed my own conviction on it pretty quickly after reading it for the first time.
I believe if you don’t want your husband watching porn or lusting after other women, you shouldn’t be okay with reading smut. To me, it’s a double standard. Sure, smut isn’t about anyone real. But that can be one of the most damaging parts: you’re fantasizing about fictional characters with a fictional relationship, and it’s very easy to develop unrealistic expectations about your own sex life as a result.
In marriage, it’s easy to start comparing your husband to the fictional character you’re reading about. Reality can start to feel disappointing or less exciting. But it’s just reality, and it’s imperfect and messy – which makes it beautiful.
Unmarried, I believe it can develop unrealistic expectations for what you believe marriage will be like.
Overall, smut is something I do not want in our marriage. It’s something you need to decide on your own, but a good gauge for me was if I felt comfortable with Nathan reading smut. Spoiler: I did not. The thought of him thinking about fictional characters having sex and visualizing them made my stomach turn. So why would I be okay with doing that myself?
Final Thoughts…
Marriage advice is almost always well-intentioned. Even when we don’t agree or apply it exactly as given, I’m grateful for the wisdom people have shared with us.
If you’re newly married (or preparing for marriage), my encouragement is this: take advice with an open heart, but also with discernment. What works beautifully for one couple might need tweaking for another.
And give grace: to yourself, to your spouse, and to the people trying to help you. We’re all learning.
Thank you so much for reading today – I hope you have a beautiful weekend! Spend some time with Jesus today 🫶
XOXO,
Annabelle