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Anxiety is hard enough to navigate on your own — but when you’re married, it adds a whole other level of difficulty.
You can’t just shut down and keep it to yourself anymore. You have another person whose life is intertwined with yours. Your fears, worries, and stress don’t only affect you anymore.
Nathan and I have been learning this firsthand. We’re just a little over two and a half years into marriage, and we’ve had to learn a LOT of lessons about communicating while we are not at our best.
Before We Talk About Anxiety…
I want to start off by saying we are both speaking from a good amount of ignorance.
Our opinion is no replacement for the professional advice of a therapist or the wisdom of a Christian mentor. Mental health is a complicated issue, and everyone’s experience with it differs.
We are blessed enough to say we don’t struggle with anxiety to the severe extent some of you likely do.
This blog is really just what Nathan and I have learned – not what you HAVE to apply to your life. We aren’t scripture! So read everything here with a grain of salt, and if I say anything out of line I hope you can extend some grace.
I’ve been going to therapy for a little over two years now, and during that time my therapist taught me something that really helped reframe my mind when talking about anxiety. She said, “emotions aren’t good or bad. They are just neutral signals. How you respond to them can be good or bad.”
Emotions are part of the way we reflect God’s character. God shows compassion, sadness, anger, joy, and empathy in the Bible, which shows us that emotions (even “negative” ones like sadness or anger) aren’t inherently sinful.
It’s the same with fear, the root of anxiety. Fear is a signal your brain sends you when you encounter something dangerous. It’s good and right to feel fear when you see a bear on a hike, or a car careening towards you as you cross the road. Anxiety is similar, although instead of fearing something tangible like a bear or a car, it fixates on things that don’t show an immediate threat (even though it feels like a threat).
BUT – I want you to take a second and appreciate your fear and anxiety. I know it sounds weird. But the part of you that feels fear is trying to protect you. It’s trying to keep you safe. And no matter how misguided the tactics, that’s an honorable intention to have.
I learned this strategy in therapy – anytime I’m wrestling with a “negative” emotion, my therapist would encourage me to validate it before challenging it. You cannot effectively change your mindset on something without first validating the part that’s holding on.
So, take a deep breath… everyone’s scared. You’re scared because you want to be safe. That makes so much sense. You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re just human.
Our Story
Nathan and I met on Hinge. He lived an hour away, which made dating difficult, but after seven months we had 0 doubts about each other. Nathan proposed, and a short 18 days after getting engaged, we got married! That was November 2022.
Since then, we’ve been learning marriage together — and a big part of that has been figuring out how to handle anxiety, both individually and as a team.
We Handle Anxiety Differently
This was one of the first things we had to learn: Nathan and I experience and express anxiety very differently.
For Nathan, anxiety often shows up in his body. His job is high-stress — the kind where one minute you’re sleeping and the next, you’re jolted awake by sirens and thrown into an emergency situation. That kind of stress messes with your nervous system. As for the subject of the anxiety, Nathan worries about his health and performance — wanting to do everything really, really well in his job.
My anxiety looks a little different. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do a good job at work and in life, and I spiral when I make mistakes. I also get anxious about finances and the future, especially when there’s no clear plan (heyo, planner here). If I don’t have time to mentally prepare for something, even if it’s as small as a change in a daily routine, it messes me up. Something I’m working on;)
Then there’s how we each respond to our anxiety.
Sometimes Nathan just needs a reset. His anxiety is very closely tied with his physical body. If he doesn’t sleep well or eat well, it’s worse. Sometimes he just needs to eat a snack and go to bed. The next day he always feels better. When he can’t just go to sleep, alone time really helps. He needs time to decompress and relax without expectation.
I, on the other hand, need to verbally process. I want to talk through every detail, every scenario, and every plan. I want to leave the conversation with action items I can implement to fix how I feel. I’m kind of crazy, now that I’m writing it out😂
You can imagine how this caused friction. When Nathan needed space, I gave him what I would want: conversation and problem-solving. And when I needed to talk, Nathan gave me what he would want: space. Neither of us was giving the other what they actually needed.
It’s still a challenge in the moment to reframe your mindset when responding to the other person’s bad day. But those moments we try to give not what we would want, but what the other person wants, there’s less friction and more support.
Reframing Anxiety
Early on in our marriage, we treated anxiety as something that just “happened” to us — something completely out of our control. Culturally, that’s a common perspective: anxiety is who you are, and all you can do is cope.
But I’ve been challenged by Scripture (and, recently, a Tim Keller sermon) to see it differently.
Anxiety isn’t something God wants us to live with forever. In His Word, He doesn’t just acknowledge our worries — He commands us not to live in them:
- “Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)
- “Do not worry about your life… Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matthew 6:25)
- “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
God doesn’t shame us for being anxious, but He does invite us to give Him our fears — and trust that He’s big enough to carry them.
I felt called out listening to Tim Keller’s sermon when he said this: anxiety reveals what we value most.
You don’t feel anxious about the things you don’t care about. And caring about things is good! But making a good thing the ultimate thing is not good. And often anxiety is an indicator that you’ve taken a good thing in your life, and turned it into the ultimate thing. The thing you need.
Anxiety also requires a level of pride. I know that’s harsh to say, but at least personally I’ve seen this proven true time and time again. Anxiety says, “I know how my life should go, and God doesn’t.”
Tim Keller said, “Worry is not believing God will get it right, and bitterness is believing God got it wrong.”
It takes pride to think you know better than God.
We’re all just people
In marriage, anxiety isn’t just “your problem.” It’s “our problem.”
We’ve learned that the best way to help each other isn’t to jump into problem-solving mode, but to really listen. There’s a cliche marriage lesson in there: it’s always better to listen than to fix.
Nathan and I often ask each other “how are you feeling?” It’s not a physical question – it’s a check in for our hearts. Just being aware of when Nathan is feeling off helps me support him better.
Final Thoughts
Truly, we’re still in thick of figuring things out. Anxiety ebbs and flows – some months it’s a distant memory, some months it’s a daily hurdle. I’m still learning how to properly decompress after work, because recently I’ve felt sooo pent up at the end of the day – and that’s a new thing for me!
And there are so many things out of our control – all it takes is for Nathan to run a tough call, and fears surrounding that call start to resurface afterwards. For example, last week Nathan ran a pretty intense allergic reaction. A few days later at home, we talked about how he felt anxious about his own allergies – and I thought, “coincidence, I think not!” Hard calls will come. It’s only natural to feel anxious afterwards. I think it’ll always be something we’re navigating.
If you struggle with anxiety, my heart goes out to you. There are two sides to the coin: on one side, I want to empower you to challenge your anxiety with the help of the Holy Spirit. On the other side, I want you to know we are all human, and God extends so much compassion and grace. Take the side of the coin you need today, yeah?
Thanks for reading! Hope you have the sweetest weekend:)
XOXO,
Annabelle