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“I am _______.”

Engaged

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes:)

I’m not gonna lie, it took me a while to finalize this blog.

I wrote an entirely different version earlier today, but it didn’t sit quite right. I don’t know, it was probably fine. But here we are with take two at 11:30pm on Sunday 😂

I have never written my blogs very topically. Usually, I just write about the things God’s put on my heart – because I figure He put them there for a reason. So when I wondered which series to start today, I didn’t take an Easter or “spring” theme. I asked myself: what is God teaching me recently?

To be honest, I’ve been in a bit of a valley.

Don’t get me wrong: being married to Nathan is AMAZING. I love my life. I love where I live and where God has me right now. But I’ve been through a lot of change, and change is bittersweet.

I don’t think I’ve ever wrestled with my mental health more in my entire life. Mix anxiety and loneliness while Nathan is at work with homesickness for my family, and you get a recipe for some tough days. And that’s life, right? Sometimes you have a lot of tough days, and that’s okay.

But I sat down today, feeling pretty defeated because I couldn’t think of any worthy “lesson” to share with you all. I feel tired, worn, at the end of my rope most days. My vulnerable heart has become Satan’s battlefield, and on the tough days, he speaks so many lies over me – it’s exhausting.

And then it hit me: I knew exactly what to write about. I would write about the lies.

Because the resounding theme through the last few months hasn’t been a particular struggle or mental battle. It’s been the constant onslaught of lies the devil keeps whispering over me in moments of weakness.

And although I can identify them as lies (thus untrue), I can’t bring myself to not believe them. It’s as if I have been believing the lie for so long, I don’t know how to operate outside of them. Maybe you can relate?

Once I unearthed one lie, God opened my eyes to more and more – until I was overwhelmed with the view: dozens of lies I’ve believed for so long, I’ve let them dictate my entire life. And that is not the way God intended me to live.

I’ve been breaking down these lies one by one, but I didn’t really make any headway until recently – after I got coffee with my theology teacher from high school.

During our conversation, I told him how tough things had been recently. He responded by saying,

“Let me share a prayer with you.”

He told me about an expanded version of the Lord’s Prayer he’s been praying for years. The prayer is a chunker – it’s 4 pages long (in like 10-point font). But it expands on each part of the Lord’s Prayer in a personalized way, and it is absolutely beautiful.

He sent me the prayer and I read through it the next morning, deleting parts about his life and replacing parts about mine. I turned it into a prayer guide on the days I don’t know how to start – the days when the lies are ruthless.

My favorite part of the prayer is the very beginning, when it talks about “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.” In this section, it mentions 8 Hebrew names of God.

So I started praying those 8 names of God each day, remembering who God is.

And the more I prayed them, the more I realized: each of these names abolishes a certain lie I’ve been believing for many years (a lie you’ve probably believed too).

It made me realize: the lies we believe can’t be broken by sheer willpower or effort. We can only be set free by who God is – for He is, after all, everything our heart is hungry for.

I know you believe lies, too.

You might not realize how firm of a grip they have on you. I didn’t realize for a long time.

But God hates to see His children believing something about themselves that isn’t true. He sees you perfect, white as snow, beautiful – no, stunning. If you could only see yourself the way He sees you – I believe a mere glimpse would shock us into immediate self-respect.

You know, as a Christian we have truth thrown at us all the time (which I suppose is a good thing). “You are loved! You are chosen! You are forgiven and free!”

These platitudes are wonderful and true. But we hear them so often, it’s easy to become sort of desensitized. As if they don’t have the same effect anymore, even though they should.

I mean, how do you think someone should respond to “you are loved by God”? On the days I fully grasp that concept, I break down into tears. Although most days, I just smile and nod because “I know God loves me, I don’t need to be reminded.”

But really, if I’m being honest, I don’t truly believe God loves me (or at least I don’t live like I do). And the thing holding me back from fully believing I am loved by God is almost always a lie – a lie I’ve believed for nearly my entire life, a lie that’s far more comfortable and familiar than the wonderful truth.

And that’s the thing about a lie: it’s like a prison cell you’ve lived in for years and years and years. Sure, it might seem comfortable because it’s familiar. Sure, it might seem fine because you’ve lived like this for so long anyway. But the lie is shackling you from seeing yourself the way God sees you. That’s no way to live.

Soooo… my blogs for the next few weeks will look something like this:

I’ll talk about a specific lie I struggle with. And then I’ll talk about the Hebrew name of God (from that prayer I mentioned before) that shatters that lie to pieces. Straight from lie to truth. Simple as that.

So if you’ve ever thought to yourself:

“I am guilty.”

“I am beyond help.”

“I am alone.”

“I am not enough.”

“I am stupid.”

“I am a mess.”

“I am ashamed.”

“I am afraid.”

Then you are in good company. As children of God, we don’t have to believe these lies any longer. We don’t need to keep living as if they are true. It is not I who live but Christ who lives in me – and the power of Christ is within each and every one of us. We don’t have to sit in our defeat, being okay with surviving life and operating under wrong assumptions of who we are. We are loved by God, and He wants to set us free.

It takes a lot of surrender. Sometimes it takes counseling. Sometimes it takes a hard conversation. Sometimes it takes asking God to help you forgive someone who’s the reason you believe a lie to begin with.

But I guess I’m just saying this: God didn’t intend for us to live like this. We don’t have to believe these things about ourselves. So I’m going to take the first step towards healing with God – and I’d love for you to join me.

Next week, I’ll tackle the first lie. And I can’t wait to share the truth along with it. I’m really excited about this series! Like I’m stoked!

But anyway, it’s late and I should probably go to bed haha. Stay tuned for next Saturday – get ready to have your heart flipped over like a pancake (but in the best way).

You are loved and forgiven, friend. Have an awesome week ♥

“Ease” by Joel Ansett (my fav song as of late)
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