What I’ve Been Struggling With

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes:-)

Messy thoughts from a Monday night, after spending all day prepping for Black Friday & Small Business Saturday:

I’m going to be honest. It’s really hard for me to sell my book.

As a creative, I just want to create things. I don’t get excited about promoting myself. I hate the fact that I can’t just create things and expect people to find them without me saying anything. It frustrates me that I need to advertise and promote my book, my blog, and everything else I write. There’s a reason I’m a writer. I love to write. I don’t love to advertise and persuade people to buy my book.

And I don’t want this to sound like I’m complaining about my followers or anything like that. Gosh, I appreciate every single person who’s taken an ounce of interest in what I create. 

I think I’m frustrated with myself most of the time.

Today was hard. Because it felt like I wasn’t being productive at all. I made a ton of posts for Black Friday, wrote W.A.S.P.P.’s, and came up with a game plan. But did I make anything beautiful? Did I make anything glorifying to God? Or was it all in the name of business?

My conscious is always talking. I struggle with the concept of promoting myself.

If I promote myself, does it mean God is blessing that? Does it even matter if I promote myself, since God can bless or curse any endeavor I choose? Should I use the marketing tools I’ve been given, or should I trust God and not even use marketing?

It almost feels like distrust in God’s provision to be posting all these advertisements.

And, honestly, it makes me feel sad. Because it’s like, I have to convince people to read my book, knock down the price for it to be worth it, practically beg them to buy it (let alone read it), and that’s my baby. That’s the story I’ve been working on for a third of my entire life. To try to convince people to read it feels degrading to how much I put into it.

And that’s a little selfish, and a little unrealistic, because people don’t think about the author when they buy a book. They just think about themselves. I’m not condemning them; everyone is like that. I’m like that. It’s the way we are.

It just feels dirty, promoting myself. I know it isn’t wrong, but it feels wrong. Maybe that’s just me, I don’t know.

Sometimes when I have bad book sales, I find myself asking, “is God not blessing this because I’m not doing it right? Because I’m not giving Him all the glory? What am I doing wrong?”

Which is so wrong of me to think, because it almost blames God for a silly failure. But it constantly sends me into self-analyzing, beating myself up for not reaching my goal, and questioning if I even have the strength to be a righteous Christian business owner.

But to be righteous at all ~ am I ever righteous?

And there’s the gospel, right there.

God’s reminding me.

It’s okay if you fail. I will pick you up again.

It’s okay if you don’t sell as many books as you hoped. When you became my child, you learned a new definition of success. You know success is different than this.

You are still my daughter. You’re still my little girl. Nothing can take that away.

So if you don’t sell a single book, if you fail entirely, if people hate your story and never read it ~ that’s okay. Because you are still mine.

Annabelle, peace be still, and know that I am God. You are worried and upset about many things, but Martha has chosen what is better. Be with me, child. Be with me.

Annabelle. Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world. I’m alive and working, but in a different way. The world can’t see what I’m doing because it doesn’t look.

Look.

A deep breath.

I don’t think I will ever stop wrestling with advertisements, marketing, or following the trends. But maybe that’s a good thing.

The day Jesus walked into my heart, He brought His compass, and I’ve prayed that He’d guide me with it. Not that I’d follow my heart, because my heart is deceptive above all things. But that Jesus, in my heart, would guide me. Because I don’t know where to go from here.

But God I surrender. Use my Instagram, my Facebook, my book, my blog, my emails. I know you can. I know you can. Please guide me. You are the way. Please guide me.

“Shiloh” by Audrey Assad

Pull up the lyrics and read along to this one. Trust me.

“Shiloh” means peace in Hebrew. Shiloh to you, friend.

Published by Annabelle Healy

Annabelle Healy is 17 and loves to write fantasy novels mostly because high school AP classes and homecoming dances are too stressful. Her novels have received multiple awards including a gold medal from the national Scholastic Art and Writing competitions, placing her beside award alumni such as Stephen King and Truman Capote. She is currently publishing her debut fantasy novel, Far Below Human Eyes with Morgan James Publishing.

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